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A Can of Worms

This blog is a can of worms because I am going to tell you how science is based in faith. But first, I need to share a little about what I believe:

It's no secret that I am a Christian. But you might not know that I haven't always been one. In fact, although I grew up in a loving Christian home and went to church, I didn't know Christ until late 2005, and I didn't take Him seriously in my life until January 1, 2006. That's when I became a Christ-follower. Directly before I learned about who Christ really is, I spent at least 7 years believing He didn't exist. I honestly thought Christianity was a crutch for those who didn't have the self-confidence to pick themselves up by the bootstraps and make things happen. I thought the Bible was written by man and therefore flawed. I thought that the ideas Christians had about loving your neighbor and being faithful in relationships were nice, but not dogmatic. I even thought that most major world religions believed the same basic thing and therefore, if any were true, all were somewhat true, and all roads led to heaven (if there was such a place). But the belief I held that gives insight into today's post is that I thought science was a much more intelligent lens to use when viewing the world, and for some reason, I thought science was stronger, more sound argument, than religious faith. I was wrong. It actually takes just as much, if not more, faith - FAITH - to believe in science than it does in Christ.

Why?  

The history of science is a history of ever-changing theories. The problem with accepting a theory because it proves the data set is that the data set is infinitely big.  More data will only allow for the elimination of finitely many hypotheses. This is the problem of under-determination - a problem that consistently arises because as long as I am finding finitely much data, that data ALWAYS underdetermines the theory. 

(derived from notes taken in a lecture by Dr. Douglas Blount, Ph.D. Philosophy, professor of Theology)

Need I say more? 

Science is based in theory. No scientist will deny this or be ashamed of it; it's how science works. But as stated above, the problem with science is that theories are based on data available at the time, and that available data is ever-changing, so theories, consequently, are ever-evolving. Speaking of evolution, the below comment was posted by a man I don't know on facebook to my claim that evolutionism and creationism are based on faith.

"Evolutionism has nothing whatsoever to do with faith. It's completely science based. And yes, it is a theory, though <I> don't believe creationism to be. In order for something to be a theory, it has to be able to be tested. Which evolution can. You can't really test what was written in any holy book."

Ray J. from Facebook

Uh....did he admit that evolutionism is a theory and then also say is has nothing to do with faith? Faith, by definition, is a "complete trust or confidence in someone or something" - ergo trusting in a theory is to have faith in it. It's the same idea as saying I have "faith" that my car will start or the chair will hold when I sit on it. Faith is based in experience and conviction, and science is built on the experiences of testing data and to support various theories, having convictions over the findings, and then altering those "proven" theories when the data changes or results differently when tested. Now, my response to Ray J. and others who scoffed at my claim (did they honestly think I wasn't preloaded with a solid argument to back my statement) - 

"Science is the most unstable system that exists. Science once proved that the world was flat, then it proved the world is round. It once proved that the sun revolved around the earth, and then it proved that the earth revolves around the sun. Then there's the most recent news that 'scientifically imperial evidence' that once proved the age of some moon rock, which was used to determine how old the moon is and how it formed, which is supposed to give us insight into how the earth was formed, was misdated and is now 'scientifically proven' to be much younger than they thought- throwing off their theories on rock formation and the age of the universe. Need I also mention the theories about relativity, the speed of light and that pesky little problem current science had with understanding the subatomic layer- which is completely chaotic and unpredictable- and any good scientist knows that order cannot possibly come out of chaos- oops! Science is based on the belief that man-made systems of math and physics are absolute and cannot be faulted. But the truth is that while science has done a fabulous job of helping make sense of what we see, it has done a poor job of explaining what we don't know. And with the ever-changing paradigm shifts and new revelations, the truth is that it actually takes more faith to believe whole-heartedly in science than it does in the truth that the world was created by a super-intelligent being that we learn about from the Bible. I am consistently AMAZED that intelligent human beings think it's somehow more incredible, logical and exciting to think that the entire world as we know it came from some amoeba, than to believe that there's a God who loves us and created us in his image to glorify Him. It's a sad testament to how scarred humans are by sin, and how scared we are to allow love, true Christly love, to lead us." Molly R (facebook)

And that, my friends, is where I leave you. I encourage you to respond, debate, agree, disagree, but have an opinion.

That crazy thing called grace

Recently I was asked how one becomes, or acts as, a "graceful parent". At first glance I thought this should be an easy question to answer: a graceful parent is one who loves their child in spite of what they do. But then, as I pondered the issue some more, I realized that being a graceful parent is much more complicated than loving unconditionally (which is a rather lofty charge in and of itself, I might add). Being a graceful parent is about learning the difference between justice, mercy and grace, and being able to administer each appropriately. In fact, I would go so far as to say that being graceful in ANY arena (friendships, marriages, partnerships, driving, eating out, getting on and off a plane), requires a full understanding of the similarities and differences in these three concepts and the artful dance of executing each principle effectively in action. So what are the differences?

Simply put, I think they can be defined in the following short explanations (which I have no doubt heard spoken by others before):

• Justice - getting what you deserve
• Mercy - not getting what you deserve
• Grace - getting better than what you do not deserve

But how do these play out? Let's take a common life example, a speeding ticket, to flesh this out a bit. You know the scene - you are exiting the highway going 65mph in a 45mph zone, talking on the cell phone, and before you know it you see flashing lights in your rear view. Before you've even confirmed the officer is pulling you over, you've already concocted your defense (didn't see the sign, going with the flow of traffic, not as fast as the other guy, etc, etc). But here's how the 3 ideals work out in this situation:

• The officer displays justice, and you get a speeding ticket.
• The officer displays mercy and lets you off with a warning.
• The officer displays grace by handing you a $100 bill to help cover the cost of your next ticket.

In each situation, the officer is acting within his rights and authority. But in each situation, you receive something different. So what would the best administration of his authority be? How about a combination - he gives you a ticket (which you deserve), but he uses his rightful authority to cut the ticket price in half (which is merciful) and then he hands you some cash (which is better than you don't deserve) because, he says, it looks like you've had a bad day. Graceful and merciful justice.

Now apply this to discipling a child, for example. Your 4-year-old knows the rules about talking to you while you are meeting with a friend. He has been told that unless it's an emergency, he is to wait patiently and occupy himself respectfully until you are done with the conversation and can devote your attention to him. Then, sure as the sun rises, your friend stops by to chat, and your 4-year-old son becomes the loudest and neediest preschooler you've ever seen. How do you react?

• You display justice, and put him in time-out until your friend leaves.
• You display mercy and let him sit on your lap while you talk (which doesn't change the fact that he's still being loud and interrupting your conversation). 
• You display grace by taking him out for ice cream.

 All of these actions, on your part, are ok. But sometimes we as parents (and just as humans in relationship), get "having mercy" and "showing grace" confused, and then we can't understand why rules are never followed, why lessons are never learned, and why we feel like a wet doormat by the end of the day. So why don't we exhibit all three? When the child interrupts (again), justfully discipline him with a time out, mercifully cut the conversation with your friend off a tad earlier than you would prefer, and gracefully thank the child for behaving and then go grab some ice cream (where you might be able to carry on the rest of that friendly conversation). Wouldn't this kind of discipline invite good behavior? I think so!

Let's take a look, just for a minute, at the Master of Grace (the one by whom all definitions and examples pale in comparison). By observing Him, we can see that He relates to us perfectly in justice, mercy and grace. For those familiar with Bible stories, here are a few examples. If you are not familiar with these stories, I have listed the Biblical reference for your reading pleasure. 

The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)- The returning son deserved a serious timeout, but his father knew that the son's punishment had already been done through the humiliation of losing his inheritance and the pain of being homeless for a time. So, the father had mercy by not inflicting justice, and showed grace by not only accepting the son back, but by throwing him a party.

The Day Laborers (Matthew 20:1-16) - the master of the house had every right to pay those who had worked all day more than those who worked only an hour; after all, those who worked all day were justified  to receive more. But what did he do? He showed the later workers grace by giving them all the same wages - completely undeserved.

(Sidenote: Did you notice, that in each story the ones who were not receiving grace -the elder son, the laborers who had worked all day- realized that grace is not fair, and got angry? Is that how you react when others receive grace?)

And finally, just to drive the point home a little more, I would like to point out how these three, justice, mercy and grace play out in some of the lives of God's most influential people. 

David (2 Samuel 11)- greatest king of all Israel - also a murderer and adulterer - he had his mistress' husband killed. God allowed David to experience justice through the accusations of a friend and (arguably) through the death of his ill-begotten son. He showed David mercy by not allowing David to be put in jail or retaliated against by his men. And he gave David grace by allowing him to bear another son, Solomon, who became the wisest (and most stubborn) king that Israel ever saw.

Peter (John 18:15-27)- Jesus' most passionate disciple - also a backstabbing friend and liar - he denied Jesus on the night Jesus was taken into custody and he said he never knew Him. God allowed Peter to experience justice when he felt the incredible guilt for turning on his best friend and Lord. He showed Peter mercy when he did not allow the king's men to arrest Peter as well as Jesus. He gave Peter grace when Jesus appeared to Peter again post-resurrection and revealed the truths of Messianic prophecy in the Old Testament. 

And finally, Paul (Acts 9:1-22) - the world's most effective and influential pastor and missionary - also a murderer of Christians and blasphemer - he spent most of his life on a lethal crusade against those who followed Jesus and had no remorse for denying that Jesus was anything more than a heretic. God allowed Paul to experience justice when, even a great deal after Paul's conversion, Paul was thrown into jail to live out most of his late-adult years. He showed Paul mercy when he did not have Paul killed by a revengeful Christian after his conversion. He gave Paul grace when Jesus not only appeared to Paul on the Road to Damascus, but God also gave Paul the words and charisma to write most of the New Testament and become the most famous of all Jesus followers to this day.

So, my friends, how do you display justice, mercy and grace? Do you spend time deciphering the three and evaluating how they can each be displayed lovingly in all relationships? I challenge you to remember the short definitions of each principle, and then work daily to judge and correct justly, punish mercifully and reward and love with an abundance of grace. And remember, as the song says, "Justice and mercy meet on the cross", and I add, "by grace".

(Hebrews 4:14-16) 14  Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Steve Jobs for President

**my prayers are with Steve and his family as he battles one the worst diseases known to man**

As Valentine's Day comes to a close, I would like to say that what stole my heart this day is by far and away Apple Inc. Don't get me wrong, the adorable Valentine's Day card from my 6-month old was fantastic,
BUT
let me tell you about why Apple is has the key to customer happiness. I truly believe the world would be a better place if Steve Jobs ran our government (and that's not necessarily a negative comment on any past, present or future political power).

For Christmas this year, my husband (the most creative man I know) did a 12 Days of Christmas gift and I got an iPhone 4 on day 12 (Christmas Day). Now, while some people need a daily does of caffeine to make it through the day, I apparently cannot survive a 24-hour period without a daily dose of dropping my billion dollar phone. To remedy this chronic problem, we have bought me case after case after case to prevent as much damage as possible when the inevitable happens...and it ALWAYS happens. Even still, with all caution observed, I have dropped my new iPhone at least 43 times since I received it (I didn't pick it up until December 28th, and then I managed to keep it off the ground for the first few days). Finally, not surprisingly, I began having problems with it last week. For a few weeks I have noticed that the tilting function wasn't working properly (the screen is supposed to switch from landscape to portrait depending on how you're holding it), and then just last weekend I discovered that my phone would no longer ring. The speakers still worked, but the ringer was disconnected...shocking, I know. So today I took it into the store.

The best way to get service at the Apple store is to make an appointment. This ensures you have a time slot just for you and you can save waiting time (which decreases the likelihood of you wandering around the store searching for something to burn a hole in your wallet). So I do this and go in today. I am helped by a ex-Long Islander named Pete. Not only was Pete super helpful about my phone, he also let me know that my Jeep might have a fuel injector problem (long story; another time). Pete looks over my phone, confirms my issues and says, I quote, "Well. It looks like your ringer has disconnected on the inside and this can be a major problem to fix. Not only that, but my diagnostics show that you've had a number of unsafe shutoffs and hardware crashes. I could fix this, but I think it'd be easier to give you a new phone. That is, if you've got some time to kill." {{{uh...of course!}}}

AND BAM! There it is. Apple realizes the ever-present business truth that is cost more than double to find a new customer than it does to retain a current one, and they're wiling to put their money where their mouth is. Now, granted, I'd only had the phone about 6 weeks, but did you notice that Pete never asked me if I had dropped the phone or abused it in any way? He must've known that WHY it was broken was not as important to me as the fact that it WAS broken. Case closed. It cost Apple MUCH less than $200 to make that phone...guaranteed....so it is a VERY effective and efficient use of their staff's time and their company's overhead to heat the small cost of another phone and recycle the one I had so clearly "refunctioned". I realized today that, yes, I may spend more than my food budget on my cell phone bill, and I may be a Apple nerd and appear materialistic for only buying MacBooks and getting updated iPhones, but it's worth it! I've had two Apple computers in my life time and three Windows-inspired PC's (that were exclusively mine). The Apples have NEVER come down with a virus, needed hard rebooting (you know, where you see that c:// on startup), never run a virus software and never been hacked. My PC's, on the other hand, ran McAfee like Starbucks runs coffee (except slower) and was constantly telling me I needed to do "critical" updates...like every other day! BLAH! No, thanks! Not only that, but when my Toshiba crashed and I went to ANY store for help, they were less than willing to even diagnose my issue for less than $50. PUH-LEES! If you think my story is uncommon, or you're doubtful because "anything can happen once", let me tell you that I have had not one, not two, but THREE iPhones replaced for free - not because their product is ridiculously faulty and bad, but because my hands are apparently made of baby oil and I somehow manage to hold EVERYTHING else in my hands when I am relocating from one spot to another, except that stinking phone.

So my question to you is this: Are you an Apple lover? If so, you are a genius! If not, why not? If your <insert non-Apple brand name device here> has problems, can you walk into a store and not be asked to leave until you feel CONFIDENT that your problem has been solved? Apple knows that the best marketing they can have is a happy customer, so they do everything from the moment you walk into until you get home and have a question to make sure you are a satisfied, confident user of their product. After all, who would get excited about your iPod and want to buy one if yours remained in your desk drawer because you couldn't figure out how to download that new CD you bought. NO ONE! And Apple knows this, they believe it with all they have, and they back it up. Would I vote for Steve Jobs as president? HECK YES!

Not because of his politics, not because of his money, but because one day he had the idea that things needed to work well and so he made them work well. He decided that his company needed to be user-friendly and efficient, the type of company he would want to buy from, and he made it that way. Couldn't you just imagine a world where tax forms were easy to understand and House and Senate bills were drafted and organized in a way to where the simple minds that the laws impact could read them (instead of only those who have gone to law-school)? WHAT A CONCEPT! You go, Steve Jobs; you have my vote!

Winning the Lottery

From January 20th-25th I worked at the Dallas World Trade Center during the Winter Trade Show, "Market", as it's referred to in the biz. This event, the one my family typically works, happens twice a year and my family has been involved since I was a wee tot (maybe 8 years old). It's always been a fun thing to be a part of. My dad originally represented a lamp manufacturer and so he ran the Dallas showroom when the trade show came into town. Trade shows are a big deal, with all the buyers from all the stores in the country coming to restock their shelves. It's always interesting to me to see who comes in the showroom and what they buy. I've seen every brand of person throughout the years, from mom-and-pop shops to some big name stores that you probably shop at every Christmas and Back to School season. I've seen men buyers and lady buyers, old and young, fashionable and way out of style. I've seen people make great purchasing choices and I've seen some folks spend $1000 on lamps, art and furniture that they will never sell for a profit. And every year I work, I learn more about the value of money. Not only do I see first-hand how merchandise is marked up from the manufacturer to the buyer to the store and then to the consumer, but I have ample time to think about what it might be like to be a buyer and spend other people's money. This year, I thought about the lottery, which is a similar beast. For a mere $1 or $2, you can win millions and then what?

When I brought up this conversation to another Market associate, we began talking about what dreams we might finally begin to realize if we won millions. We both talked about giving 10% back to the church, saving another great portion, but then our plans differed. The main reason for the difference probably has more to do with age than desire. I am at the beginnings of having a family and growing up, whereas the lady I was speaking with has grandchildren now and is thinking more about retirement than buying a starter home; we're just in two different places. But regardless of why our plans differed, the difference made me think about how we all plan our lives. My plan for the money was to save it. Maybe pay off our car, take a chunk to pay cash for a house and then save the rest in some conservative savings account or Roth IRA. Her plans including saving, but were more well thought out. She would, upon winning the lottery, quit her current job so that she could pursue setting up an organization she has always dreamed of starting. Sounds like a good plan and an honest way to use her newly incurred fortune, but my question to her was, "why wait"? "Why not start the process now through smaller means, and then see where it leads?" Her answer was more than likely a typical answer for most of us, "I don't have the extra time right now to do what I love". And that's what got me to thinking. Are you pursuing your passion?

When it comes to the end, and we are faced with the last days of our lives, are you going to be able to look back and say, "Man, I'm glad I lived the life I lived" or will you wish you had chased that one dream that you had always dreamed? Now, to see where I'm coming from, you have to know that I am a Christian and my perspective comes from following after Christ first and foremost, but I think Americans (and maybe others, but I can only speak from what I know) tend to postpone the things that make us tick because we are afraid of the outcome. And I don't even mean that we are afraid to fail, I think we might be afraid to succeed. And I think there's a little of both. I think we have a fear that if we jump ship and follow a dream, we'll run out of money and be homeless. But the opposite could also be true. Maybe we're afraid that if we actually pursue the dream with our whole heart, we could succeed and the possibility of that new life can be immobilizing. So maybe we can find a middle ground. It's true that many of us have to work a job we don't love so that we can pay the bills, but if we can leave with it, do we need it now? If not, could we find a different job that paid less but fed our souls? I think so, but I'm a little risk-taker. If not, then why not at least make time for doing something you love every week? For example, if you have a heart to act, then join an acting class, and if that means that you don't work overtime, then cut back somewhere else so that you don't NEED to work overtime. Because no matter how hard we fight it and how many face lifts, tummy tucks, boob jobs or hair colorings we get, no matter how many pills, vitamins, supplements or life-preserving measures we take, we (who are of the age to read this) are all going to leave this earth within the next 50-70 years (if not sooner)....so what are we doing spending our time doing things we hate, or the things that stress us out? I spend a lot of time talking to people (mainly women) about life and what stress they have, and 99% of what causes stress is money. It's no surprise to me, really, when our culture says "Love Money" and our God says, "you can't love money and God. No one can serve two masters". I side with God. If we choose to chase money instead of passion, what do we have in the end? A nice house? A stadium named after us? Isn't it a greater accomplishment to have a legacy of love and relationship? If the nice house and self-named stadium result from pursuing a passion, then I'M ALL FOR IT! But if they come at the cost of daily stress and agonizing labor, then why do it?

So my challenge to you is this. Take a moment to think about what YOU would do if you won millions of dollars (or billions if you're already a millionaire), and then figure out a way to start doing that NOW. Maybe you could volunteer for that non-profit that's similar to the one you would like to start, or maybe you can sign up for guitar lessons if you'd ultimately love to travel in a trailer and be a rock star. It doesn't have to be something that consumes every free minute that you have, but DO SOMETHING. Don't just put that dream on a shelf and think that you would pursue it, "if only I had....", start NOW!

We've come a long way, baby

Almost 6 months ago now, I gave birth to a bright-eyed baby boy. Now, before you click away from this post thinking I might get all sappy on you and talk about how precious my son is, give me a chance. I woke up yesterday thinking about the progress that's been made in the past 6 months: for Collin as a kiddo, for Jon and I as a couple, for the three of us as a family, and for me as a Christian, mom, woman and graduate student. Much of the progress that's been made is to be expected (Collin's got a couple teeth, Jon and I have grown closer and had a couple of fights and I have learned the true meaning of exhaustion). But one of the more interesting things I have learned, is that for the past six months...really the past 16 months (including pregnancy), I've felt like I was on a stage in my own body. Not until yesterday morning (ironically the day after I published a public blog about my life) did I realize that I'd been performing my life instead of living it. 

In my experience, the first-born child is the most attended to. I am a second-born, and while I was certainly spoiled as the "baby of the family" and the only girl, I was less "fussed over" because my parents had already been there and done that with my brother. When I watched my brother have his two kids, I noticed how cautiously cared for the first-born was in his first year and how differently cared for the second was in his first year. Don't get me wrong, the second child is dearly loved and was absolutely not neglected or UNcared for, he was just dealt with in a lighter manner. I think this is a logical progression for families. As new parents, there is an overwhelming sense of fear and amazement that comes with bringing that first kiddo home. They are so tiny, so helpless and so apparently fragile. Yet they are so tough! You learn this along the way as they bump their heads, slip on the hard floor and let out merely a whimper when you cut their finger instead of their fingernail. But this post isn't about what it's like to be a new parent. This post is about what it's like to live your life in the third person, as I feel I've been doing, since November 2009. 

That's the month we found out I was pregnant. Everything changed. All of a sudden, I became reasonably concerned with what I ate, what I drank, which side I slept on, what I inhaled, which DisneyWorld rides I rode, and how much iron was in my diet. After the first few months, I began going to the OB/GYN every month for checkups.  They checked my pee and my weight and all sorts of other flattering details of my womanhood, and I just reminded myself that's it's all for the greater good. But, unknowingly, I was developing an "out-of-body" type existence where I began to think about me not as a person, but as a temporary host for this growing being inside of me, and nothing more. All of a sudden, I started ignoring my needs and I become ultra-disciplined about the needs of the growing baby (which is generally a good thing). As the weeks go by and I began feeling kicks in my belly and seeing the movement through my shirt, the "outsider" perspective only got more intense. What a surreal experience that a PERSON was in my tummy (visions of the alien from "Spaceballs" were constant visitors in my active imagination). Finally, as the remaining weeks turned into days and then hours, I began forgetting who I was 10 months before and start realizing I was about to be utterly and eternally changed. That's when I really started my stage performance. Not having a clue what I was supposed to do, I gave birth, brought the infant home, and BOOM, there we were.

For the next 6 months (July to January), I found myself becoming hyper-alert and hyper-attentive to this small creature now in the outside world. I was enrolled in 14 hours of graduate level Seminary courses and when classes started in August, I couldn't see past my 3-week-old to read a book. I dropped all my credit courses and vowed to start up again in the Spring of 2011. This ended up being a good decision and I was able to devote the time I needed to learn how to be a mom. But as I began courses this past week, I've finally realized that since Collin has been born, I have ceased being me. Sure, Jon and I have done a good job of getting out and about, staying involved with our church Life Group and letting others watch the kiddo so we can go out on a date or have a full 24 hours to ourselves, but what I mean is that I have been spending 24 hours of every day as if I were babysitting, and I haven't been living. Now, if every new mom realizes this difference before their child is 6 months old, then call me a slow learner. But I would place my bet on the fact that many new parents, knowingly or not, act the same way for years before finding a good balance. 

Here's what I mean, when I used to babysit, I would devote all my attention to those kiddos. I fed them, played with them, talked with them, did everything they wanted me to do and it was only after they went to sleep that I found time to watch the movie the parents had left for me. Now, as a parent, I've noticed that I've still been in that role. I realized that I am spending every waking minute trying to accommodate my son and trying to find out what I need to do next. Thoughts in my head go something like this, "What book should I read to him now?, Should I finish my shower or go rescue him from his crying fit?, I don't have time to eat because he'll be awake soon., How am I going to write a 10-page paper or study my Bible when Collin is awake?, Do I really just leave him playing by himself on the floor?, I am such a neglectful mom!" But then yesterday I realized that I am not babysitting and I am not visiting. Collin is my son today, tomorrow and for the rest of both our lives. Granted, I don't want to waste the precious moments we can have playing and learning new skills, but I can't lose myself because of him either. You see, when Collin's grandparents keep him or come to visit, they can do nothing but pay attention to him. He is all they are concerned with. And rightfully so. That's the role of the grandparent in today's modern family (unless they are the caregivers). They are supposed to ooooooh and ahhhhhh and get nothing done until Jr goes home. But the role is different for the parents, and for a long time now, I've struggled with thinking that I should act the same way as my mom, or Jon's folks, or the countless visitors we've had who have loved my little one to pieces. I've made myself feel guilty when I watch TV while Collin is kicking his toys in his play gym. And I've beat myself up when I don't talk to him constantly as I feed him...because that's what good moms do, right? But I have to stop acting! I am learning that being myself is ultimately going to be better than pretending to be some mom I've created in my mind (which is probably not the mom I would really want to be anyway). 

I love my son, and I know he loves me, and many times throughout the day I give him my undivided attention, but I can't do it all the time. I am not babysitting; I am a permanent fixture. While I realize that I may have a limited time with him (we never know when the Good Lord will take us home) and I know that time flies and he'll have kids of his own before I know it, I simply cannot lose myself, the person God has been molding and shaping for 30 years to be, because I am so wrapped up in my child. There will be "hyper" days when I am loaded with energy and want to tickle him and dance and sing with him, but there will also be "down" days, when I am tired and would rather hold him while I watch TV or type on my computer. And every day, hyper or somber, I should commit to letting him spend time on his own while I take care of something that is adult-ish, like taking a longer shower, getting my Seminary or Bible Study homework done, or talking on the phone to long-lost friends. You may label me as selfish, or you may feel I've shared a common truth about parenting, or maybe, in some small way, I've helped deliver you from stereotypes of good mothering. However you take what I've shared, I hope that when it's all said and done, when Collin is grown and out of the house, I am able to say that I did the best I could, while maintaining my identity in Christ, my uniqueness as the individual God's gifted me to be, and that Collin and I are two different, loving and well-balanced people.

heading out the gate

Well, I finally feel like it's time for me to stop acting like I'm going to start a blog and actually start one. In my brief 30 years on this mound of dirt, I've started 3 different blogs, all of which have consisted of no more than 10 posts. This time will be different...really.

Why? Everyone seems to be blogging and unlike the Twitter craze, this is something I can get into. What better way to spread the news of my life over the unmanageable airwaves of the internet?

Regardless of who might be interested in said blog, I know my husband will read it, and that's a good audience to start with (since many posts will likely include stories about him). Plus, there might be some other family and friends who will subscribe because I ask them to and they're nice. If you're one of those folks, I thank you in advance for helping me get this ball rolling. The truth of the matter is, the more people I see checking out my blog, the more likely I am to continue posting and keeping it updated. Irony.

SO...I might as well get started. This weekend has turned out a bit differently than we planned. Thursday night I heard Collin wheezing and began to wonder if his simply stuffy nose had turned into something worth worrying about. We gave it the evening to see what happened, and midway through Friday morning my "spidey-sense" kicked in and I decided I should call the doctor. Good thing I did! Turns out Collin has the beginnings of RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) and if not caught and treated early, can lead to pneumonia, bronchitis and other nasty respiratory problems. No thanks! So the doc sent us home with some liquid steroids and a stern warning about keeping him away from other babies. So far we seem to be doing ok. He still wheezes when he breathes, but it's not keeping him from eating and he's still pretty happy, so we know he's not in a lot of discomfort.

My plan now is to hunker down in the safe (ever-so-germ-free) walls of our apartment until this blows over, which will hopefully be Monday morning. Prayers are appreciated!