Recently I was asked how one becomes, or acts as, a "graceful parent". At first glance I thought this should be an easy question to answer: a graceful parent is one who loves their child in spite of what they do. But then, as I pondered the issue some more, I realized that being a graceful parent is much more complicated than loving unconditionally (which is a rather lofty charge in and of itself, I might add). Being a graceful parent is about learning the difference between justice, mercy and grace, and being able to administer each appropriately. In fact, I would go so far as to say that being graceful in ANY arena (friendships, marriages, partnerships, driving, eating out, getting on and off a plane), requires a full understanding of the similarities and differences in these three concepts and the artful dance of executing each principle effectively in action. So what are the differences?
Simply put, I think they can be defined in the following short explanations (which I have no doubt heard spoken by others before):
- Justice - getting what you deserve
- Mercy - not getting what you deserve
- Grace - getting better than what you do not deserve
But how do these play out? Let's take a common life example, a speeding ticket, to flesh this out a bit. You know the scene - you are exiting the highway going 65mph in a 45mph zone, talking on the cell phone, and before you know it you see flashing lights in your rear view. Before you've even confirmed the officer is pulling you over, you've already concocted your defense (didn't see the sign, going with the flow of traffic, not as fast as the other guy, etc, etc). But here's how the 3 ideals work out in this situation:
- The officer displays justice, and you get a speeding ticket.
- The officer displays mercy and lets you off with a warning.
- The officer displays grace by handing you a $100 bill to help cover the cost of your next ticket.
In each situation, the officer is acting within his rights and authority. But in each situation, you receive something different. So what would the best administration of his authority be? How about a combination - he gives you a ticket (which you deserve), but he uses his rightful authority to cut the ticket price in half (which is merciful) and then he hands you some cash (which is better than you don't deserve) because, he says, it looks like you've had a bad day. Graceful and merciful justice.
Now apply this to discipling a child, for example. Your 4-year-old knows the rules about talking to you while you are meeting with a friend. He has been told that unless it's an emergency, he is to wait patiently and occupy himself respectfully until you are done with the conversation and can devote your attention to him. Then, sure as the sun rises, your friend stops by to chat, and your 4-year-old son becomes the loudest and neediest preschooler you've ever seen. How do you react?
- You display justice, and put him in time-out until your friend leaves.
- You display mercy and let him sit on your lap while you talk (which doesn't change the fact that he's still being loud and interrupting your conversation).
- You display grace by taking him out for ice cream.
All of these actions, on your part, are ok. But sometimes we as parents (and just as humans in relationship), get "having mercy" and "showing grace" confused, and then we can't understand why rules are never followed, why lessons are never learned, and why we feel like a wet doormat by the end of the day. So why don't we exhibit all three? When the child interrupts (again), justfully discipline him with a time out, mercifully cut the conversation with your friend off a tad earlier than you would prefer, and gracefully thank the child for behaving and then go grab some ice cream (where you might be able to carry on the rest of that friendly conversation). Wouldn't this kind of discipline invite good behavior? I think so!
Let's take a look, just for a minute, at the Master of Grace (the one by whom all definitions and examples pale in comparison). By observing Him, we can see that He relates to us perfectly in justice, mercy and grace. For those familiar with Bible stories, here are a few examples. If you are not familiar with these stories, I have listed the Biblical reference for your reading pleasure.
The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)- The returning son deserved a serious timeout, but his father knew that the son's punishment had already been done through the humiliation of losing his inheritance and the pain of being homeless for a time. So, the father had mercy by not inflicting justice, and showed grace by not only accepting the son back, but by throwing him a party.
The Day Laborers (Matthew 20:1-16) - the master of the house had every right to pay those who had worked all day more than those who worked only an hour; after all, those who worked all day were justified to receive more. But what did he do? He showed the later workers grace by giving them all the same wages - completely undeserved.
(Sidenote: Did you notice, that in each story the ones who were not receiving grace -the elder son, the laborers who had worked all day- realized that grace is not fair, and got angry? Is that how you react when others receive grace?)
And finally, just to drive the point home a little more, I would like to point out how these three, justice, mercy and grace play out in some of the lives of God's most influential people.
David (2 Samuel 11)- greatest king of all Israel - also a murderer and adulterer - he had his mistress' husband killed. God allowed David to experience justice through the accusations of a friend and (arguably) through the death of his ill-begotten son. He showed David mercy by not allowing David to be put in jail or retaliated against by his men. And he gave David grace by allowing him to bear another son, Solomon, who became the wisest (and most stubborn) king that Israel ever saw.
Peter (John 18:15-27)- Jesus' most passionate disciple - also a backstabbing friend and liar - he denied Jesus on the night Jesus was taken into custody and he said he never knew Him. God allowed Peter to experience justice when he felt the incredible guilt for turning on his best friend and Lord. He showed Peter mercy when he did not allow the king's men to arrest Peter as well as Jesus. He gave Peter grace when Jesus appeared to Peter again post-resurrection and revealed the truths of Messianic prophecy in the Old Testament.
And finally, Paul (Acts 9:1-22) - the world's most effective and influential pastor and missionary - also a murderer of Christians and blasphemer - he spent most of his life on a lethal crusade against those who followed Jesus and had no remorse for denying that Jesus was anything more than a heretic. God allowed Paul to experience justice when, even a great deal after Paul's conversion, Paul was thrown into jail to live out most of his late-adult years. He showed Paul mercy when he did not have Paul killed by a revengeful Christian after his conversion. He gave Paul grace when Jesus not only appeared to Paul on the Road to Damascus, but God also gave Paul the words and charisma to write most of the New Testament and become the most famous of all Jesus followers to this day.
So, my friends, how do you display justice, mercy and grace? Do you spend time deciphering the three and evaluating how they can each be displayed lovingly in all relationships? I challenge you to remember the short definitions of each principle, and then work daily to judge and correct justly, punish mercifully and reward and love with an abundance of grace. And remember, as the song says, "Justice and mercy meet on the cross", and I add, "by grace".
(Hebrews 4:14-16) 14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
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